Have you ever had the shingles removed from your eyes?

While I was finishing up on my assigned reading for Interpersonal Communications I was reading a paragraph that just slapped me dead in the face.

It talks about Self Sabotage. This my friends is me. " One of the most crippling kinds of self-talk we can engage in is self-sabotage. This involves telling ourselves we are no good, we can't do something, there's no point in trying to change, an so forth. Self sabotage defeats us because it undermines beliefs in ourselves. Self-sabotage is poisonous; it destroys our motivation to change and grow" (Julia T. Wood, Interpersonal Communication 2007)

For as long as I can remember I have felt unworthy of love, respect and self worth. Now I can't really pinpoint exactly when that started but I do know it has been the basis of who I was, am and if I don't change it who I always will be. Many decisions I have made in the past was affected by how I perceived myself. The boys I dated, the friends I had, just everything.
Now, I am not saying I didn't have positive influences but I shyed away from their perception of me because I did not believe them. I have had some real winners in the love relationships and there were the few nice guys that I purposely ended contact with because once again I felt I didn't deserve that person.

When I met Chris, he was one of the "bad boys" and our relationship started out rocky and was self destructing. But because he realized his need for growth and needing to change the person he was, is the only reason he didn't leave me like so many others before. He grew and changed and loved me through it all. I can't count how many times we argued over my negativeness, my unwillingness to see that I, me, Mindy needed to change as well. That I was not right in my thinking, in my perception of not only myself but in others that truly and deeply care for me.

Now as much as I hate admitting that he is right, I can not deny it now. Sure, he may gloat for a short time but I can tell when I admit to my faults, he is proud that I am finally seeing what he has seen for 10 plus years. I am someone to be proud of, I have accomplished things in my life that I can be proud of. Now comes the hard part.... the willingness to change it for good. The perseverance to conquer this inner demon. It won't happen overnight... nothing is that easy. However, I do have the desire and stubbornness to take it to the end. I also have the best advocate that supports me even though I am like a pendulum of self destruction. I always feared that he would tire of me and walk out. I don't feel that way anymore. So, a little piece of insecurity has been replaced with bigger piece confidence of being worthy of love.

No, I am not changing for Chris, I am changing because of him. He has been my rock and the gift that I have prayed for, for so many years.

More than I have ever wanted to share.

but I am at a loss.
WARNING: TMI moment: I have been struggling with the fact that I am getting older. I have been dealing with menopausal symptoms since I had tubal ligation in 2001. Not saying that automatically happens to every woman but it did happen to me. For 7 years now I have been suffering. Every year another symptom pops its ugly head. This year I have been battling insomnia and an increase for wanting sex.

The insomnia alone I could probably deal with but the wanting sex on a daily basis is driving me insane. Chris would probably tell you I was always insane but whatever... Needless to say, I don't get obliged on a daily basis. I am lucky if I get it once a week. I seriously need advice on how to handle this. Chris is not a robot. He can't be demanded to get naked all the time, he works hard and has troubles of his own in the sleeping department. I can't stand the person that I have become. My mood swings all over the place. I would not want to live with me right now!

I have been to the doctors before when I noticed things were different. There are no supplements, hormones or anything else I can take because I am not full blown. My body is still making the hormones. I have tried different remedies and certain health supplements and nothing has worked. I try to not let this get me down but every night that I get turned down for sex I feel unwanted, unloved and unattractive. When I have told Chris how I feel he thinks I am reading to much into things or being too emotional. HELLO... I am a girl. We are known for that! I just don't know what to do anymore. I am lost.

In Memoriam for the Puppy Monster

One year ago today a little angel was called home. Please keep NYC Dawg in your thoughts and prayers.

In Mourning For One Of Our Own.

One of our own is suffering the unimaginable. DJ, also know to many as Puppy Monster and NYC Watchdog's five year old son, died of a swimming pool accident yesterday. Although I did not know them personally my heart goes out to the family. As a way of showing support for NYC and his family, please visit Avitable's site and purchase a badge like the one on the right to help the family financially during their time of need.