Saturday, December 26, 2009

I want to be a fireman when I grow up

at least that is what my nephew, Joey, says now. For as long as he could talk though he has been fascinated by the firefighters. He does have the same drive as my son, Jeff. Jeff knew at a very early age that he wanted to be some kind of engineer and he is pursuing that field now in college. I have no doubt that Joey will most likely follow in Jeff's footsteps at least with the same determination of his cousin.
I told my sister, Amy, that it is most likely a good career choice and they do get a good salary once they have been in the career for a few years and that he would be able to obtain a Bachelor of arts in fire service administration. I was never aware that you could actually get a degree in that kind of field. I just thought you had to go through a basic training course and maybe an academy to get the experience. Then again, I never wanted to go into the fire fighter's union. So unless you know what you need to do to obtain that goal, you really never give it much thought.
Joey has several more years to really decide. He is 8 1/2 years younger than Jeff and therefore has those years to change his mind if he wishes. But like I said before, he reminds me a lot of Jeff. He is in the fourth grade but really he should be a grade above. My sister decided to keep him in the appropriate grade level for his age because socially he needs some work. He is EXACTLY like Jeff in that area. Smart as a whip but has NO common sense and his social skills with others is marginal at best. There must have been something "special" in the prenatal pills back in the 90's because I have no clue where the boys got their intelligence. Seriously.

Friday, December 25, 2009

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

The Dark Cloud...

I have been trying to keep myself busy. Taking on as many cleaning jobs as I can, knowing that just cleaning two places a day really wipes me out but I can't say no when I get calls. I see dollar signs and the ability to help with the bills and make sure that I am doing my fair share.

Physically I am doing better. I am not where I want to be but I know that it will take time to get back to normal. Whatever that is. I still have no feeling in most of my neck and shoulder and I can't lay down on my back for very long without the feeling of being strangled. Sometimes I even feel like I have a brick in my neck it feels so heavy. I haven't lost the weight that I thought I would yet but I am still hoping that it will happen in time. Otherwise I guess I will be stuck being FAT.

Emotionally... I am not so good. I avoid looking at my neck and I get so self conscious about other people looking at me. I go out in public and I swear everyone I see is staring at my neck. I know it's not really the case but I still feel like they are. My husband is too tired lately to want to be intimate. At least that is what he complains about anyway. I am sure that is the case but my mind wanders into other realms of possibilities and I know that will lead to me feeling even worse about myself. After all... I don't in the slightest feel worthy of anything right now. He is working LONG hours and he likes the money that he is bringing home. Yet, I feel like I don't matter to him as much as he matters to me. Even when I have been exhausted, I always made time for him. I guess that is the difference between us.

I can't even cry a good cry. It's been awhile since I could get one out. Sure I tear up, but as quickly as the tears roll down my face they dry up faster. Sometimes I just feel like I am existing instead of living. Trust me, it's not a good place to be.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Proof is in the Pictures

I have been wanting to post pictures of the aftermath. Apparently there are people out there that grow suspicious if you don't provide such photos when a tragedy or illness takes place. To me that is stupid to have such a mind set. So for all that were ever in doubt of the crap that I had to endure.... this is for you.

Kat took these for me. I would have never been able to do this myself at that time. This was about a week after the bandage was taken off. It's a little dark, but you can definitely see it.

I took this one today. It looks swollen still but that is because I have been doing my daily physical therapy, which by the way is not fun by any means!
You can see that in just a few weeks the mobility in my neck is a lot better. My neck and face are still a little swollen but hey what do you expect. The rope like effect is from the drain tube that was left in after surgery. It was taken out before I left the hospital. I was told that the scar and swelling will take at least eight months to fully subside. The numbness that I have have from my left ear all the down past my left shoulder could take up to a full year and I may not recover all of the feeling back.