Wednesday, December 23, 2009

The Dark Cloud...

I have been trying to keep myself busy. Taking on as many cleaning jobs as I can, knowing that just cleaning two places a day really wipes me out but I can't say no when I get calls. I see dollar signs and the ability to help with the bills and make sure that I am doing my fair share.

Physically I am doing better. I am not where I want to be but I know that it will take time to get back to normal. Whatever that is. I still have no feeling in most of my neck and shoulder and I can't lay down on my back for very long without the feeling of being strangled. Sometimes I even feel like I have a brick in my neck it feels so heavy. I haven't lost the weight that I thought I would yet but I am still hoping that it will happen in time. Otherwise I guess I will be stuck being FAT.

Emotionally... I am not so good. I avoid looking at my neck and I get so self conscious about other people looking at me. I go out in public and I swear everyone I see is staring at my neck. I know it's not really the case but I still feel like they are. My husband is too tired lately to want to be intimate. At least that is what he complains about anyway. I am sure that is the case but my mind wanders into other realms of possibilities and I know that will lead to me feeling even worse about myself. After all... I don't in the slightest feel worthy of anything right now. He is working LONG hours and he likes the money that he is bringing home. Yet, I feel like I don't matter to him as much as he matters to me. Even when I have been exhausted, I always made time for him. I guess that is the difference between us.

I can't even cry a good cry. It's been awhile since I could get one out. Sure I tear up, but as quickly as the tears roll down my face they dry up faster. Sometimes I just feel like I am existing instead of living. Trust me, it's not a good place to be.

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