Another door opens.

I was fine up until 7pm this evening. Chris and I talked about 3:45. He usually leaves work about 4. Today however he had to go to one of his projects to do a final inspection and to remove the permit. So, I naturally thought that the latest he would be walking in the door would be 5:30. So needless to say, I had supper ready and on the table. No Chris. I called his cell and it rang about 4 times before going into his voice mail. No big deal I thought, he probably has the radio on too loud in the car. Since the meal was all ready the kids and I started without him. We finished about 6 and Katie cleared the table while Jeff went to get ready for work.

I called about 6:15 and the phone rang and went into voicemail. "Ok, they must have had an impromptu meeting regarding the floating island that was defective." I told myself. He should be home by the time I drop Jeff off at work. Katie and I got home about 7pm. No Chris. Now I am starting to get worried. He hadn't called my cell and the caller I.D. didn't show he called home. I called again. It rang and went into voice mail. This time I left a message stating that I am a little worried and to please call.

I washed the pots and loaded the dishwasher. Still no sign of Chris. It is now 7:30. And I am upset and worried and my stomach is in knots. That's how I roll. Get worried or upset and my stomach produces mad amounts acid. If I am not careful it doesn't stay in the stomach. Or worse it starts to aggravate the ulcer. I go out onto the lanai and proceed to smoke like a chimney. It is now 8pm and yep… no Chris. Now I am on the verge of trying to calm myself down because I so want to call every hospital. I want to call the police station and even his dad. But I refrain because surely there must be a damn good reason why he hasn't bothered to call home. I decide to wait until 9pm of course that is after I call for the last time around 8. At exactly 8:15. Chris finally calls home. I quickly answer the phone.

"Hey Babe, just wanted to let you know we had a pretty funny incident here at the project. This guy lost power to his boat and was headed toward the docks here. We had to walk him in and before we could get his boat stable, the guy decided to jump out and his boat cap sides onto the rocks. So we had to call the police and I had to fill out an incident report. The guy was severely intoxicated".

I asked him why he didn't answer his phone. He tells me that because it was raining when he got there he just left the phone in the car. He didn't want to take a chance with it out in the rain. He notices that I am somewhat quiet and he asks me what's wrong. I tell him that I was worried and upset that I couldn't get in touch with him. He automatically gets defensive and states that it doesn't sound like I am upset but actually pissed. That's when I lost it. Not lost it as I started to yell and scream at him like I normally would have but I started to cry. Chris however didn't notice because he hung up on me.

That's when another revelation hit me. I now know why I get upset when he doesn't call after being hours late from getting home. It doesn't happen a lot but it's happened enough that we have had some heavy fighting afterwards. When I was younger, and my mom started her new career there were numerous times that she would not bother to call home if she was planning on being late. I cannot count how many times because it was often and continued for many years. Many times my sisters and I would have already eaten dinner and gone to bed before I would hear the screaming emulating from downstairs. When I would look over at the clock to see what time it was it would be after 10pm or later. Majority of the time she would be drunk. Now I am not saying that I worry that Chris is out drinking but it's that feeling of not knowing. I don't even know if I can put it into words. I just know that I get those feelings when he is not home when he's supposed to be.

I haven't told Chris about this yet. I just let it drop when he got home. Part of me was too drained to deal with it. But I will try and state to him how important it is to call and let me know if he's going to be later than anticipated. I wanted to ask Chris why he just didn't borrow a phone to call home. Surely they would've have understood that it's the only responsible and courteous thing to do. I decide to keep mum.

So even though a few hours went by where I actually started to feel sick with worry another door into my dark past decided to reveal the skeletons of my mansion. I refuse to call it a closet because quite honestly… it's much bigger than that.

Still dreaming…

Finally the ordeal with Bryn-Alan Studios is over. When I checked our account this morning, I noticed that charge was still there although no fees were posted yet. So, I called our bank once again to see if the studio released the hold yet. It had not and in fact the charge went through. The rep told me that in order not to have any fees attached on it should be resolved today on the studio's end. I called Chris and he told me he would call. He knows that I would have ripped into them.

So… he talked to the manager explained to him that although on their side they show no order, on our side it shows the full amount was charged. He calmly explained to them that we could go after them for a felony fraud charge but that we wouldn't have to go there because he knew that they would take care of it today. In a little over two hours the charge was removed and we had a positive balance again. The manager also stated that if we wished to still place the order down the road to call him directly and he would personally deal with us and of course give us a good deal. I respect that. But, I am not sure I want to take him up on his offer. Chris told me it was up to me whether or not we did it.

Today, I talked to my friend, Jen, while she drove from Columbus to Cleveland, Ohio. She called me to keep her distracted on the way to see her grandmother who not only suffered a stroke but also a seizure on Monday. She is still in the hospital and if it's anything like last time in April she will be there for a few weeks. We share a lot in common. Not only we do have children by the same man, our personalities are very similar. Chris always thought that I was one of a kind until he met Jen. So as she was driving to visit her grandmother we talked about a lot of stuff. I told her how Chris and I are seriously searching for a house. It's a buyer's market at the moment so we would be really stupid not to jump at the chance. Chris' parents have expressed in the past about helping out with financing if we could not do it ourselves. Jen told me that she and John, her fiancé, purchased their house on an assumable mortgage. They just basically picked up where the owner left off. No out of pocket expenses and the owner saved her credit. Now, if only we can find something like that here. But I am not even sure how to go about finding something like that. We have found a house not to from where we are now and in the same school district that looks to be a great deal. Chris would like to set up a time for this weekend to take a walk through. He has the knowledge to inspect the property and see what repairs, if any would need to be done and approximately what the cost to do so would be. We have already looked up the property on the appraisal site for the county and we know what the market value of the home is. Compared to what they are asking for it, it would be insane not to look into. But then again it all depends on the condition of the house as well. It does have an in ground pool and Jacuzzi that is under a screened in lanai. The only thing that I am not that thrilled about is that it's tile throughout the house. That's a lot of floor scrubbing. It comes with all the appliances including the washer/dryer. We also like the fact the backyard is completely fenced in and it butts up to a canal. So it's technically considered waterfront property as well. When Chris gets home from work we are going to do a little numbers crunching and search for more homes on the site and make a list to set up for this weekend. I sure hope that we can do this though because doing all this work and only to find out later that it won't pan out will just break my heart.

I am so happy

The past few days I have been experiencing a sense of euphoric high. Nothing has really gotten me down. Not even the whole incident with the studio fiasco. I may have gotten angry at the situation but I didn't let that affect my mood. In the end it will all work out. And no, my bank account has not shown the reversal yet. I will give it until tomorrow morning to go into effect. If it doesn't than I will call them again and this time let them have it. The bank rep informed us that if they do not comply within the stated time that they said, then they are in wrong and can be charged with a felony fraud count. So… we shall see.

Even though today has been kind of a wash out due to the terrific thunderstorms we are having, I have kept busy with school work, cleaning house and even playing with Katie. My kids have noticed the difference in my mood. Jeff jokingly asked if I was taking any sort of mood enhancer because I have not been happy for this long period of time. Geez… that's a real eye opener! I am so glad that all the crap that I have been carrying for most of my life has surfaced, and that there is no way in hell I will ever retreat to that dark place again. With that said, I am moving on.

For the past few weeks now, Chris and I have discussed about what I am going to do once the kids returned back to school. I would like to start working again. However, the jobs are not there. So, I decided and also talked it over with Chris that I am going to start cleaning for other people again. I haven't done it in over 10 years but I do have the knowledge, the experience and the drive to do it. After a lot of research and putting together a business plan along with a three year business forecast. I am going into business for myself. Not quite sure on the name but Chris did mention that I use the name of my blog. Sort of a play on words approach. What do you guys think? You have any suggestions? I have already gotten the paperwork to become licensed, insured and bonded. This will be a sole proprietorship and if I do allow anyone to work with me they will be sub contractors only. I am not going to deal with their taxes and what not. I have already put the buzz out. My parents are in the field of either managing or in the maintenance part of high end condo associations on Siesta Key and Longboat Key. Many of the condo owners have expressed interest. Apparently they are not happy with their services now. That sounds promising. However, I will not start until the kids are back in school. So in another four weeks I am looking to venture out. I do want to have all the necessary paperwork dealt with by then also.

Getting back into the cleaning business will not only help with the bringing in of extra income but it will get me to lose the weight a lot faster. I won't have to rely on diet supplements like that of Fenphedra or anything else like it to help me lose weight. I am a firm believer that the longer it takes you to lose the weight the longer it will stay off. No more yo - yo dieting for me. I have put my body through enough stress.

Chris and I have been very attentive towards one another and we have not had any arguments. Not to say we haven't had disagreements because no relationship is perfect. I have noticed that he responds to me differently than before. My kids even treat me differently. I am just so amazed that I couldn't see how I was affecting my family. I can't say that I won't have bad days but it will be short lived because I will be aware of it. Chris promised me that he would be the first one to let me know when I start down the wrong road again. I am so grateful that I have him to lean on. I don't think anyone else would have had the patience and I don't think I would want anyone else to do it. I think that is what God intended. I see it so clearly.

 

Bryn – Alan’s customer service is a joke!!!

Yesterday, Chris and I were trying to place the order online for my son's senior pictures. We wanted to take advantage of the 10% off deal and the deadline to do so was today. We were under the impression that you could not only save 10% by placing the order online but that you could also just pay a 50% deposit and then pay the rest when the pictures were ready. Not so apparently.

When we set up the package we wanted to buy and proceeded to the checkout and after entering the credit card number it came back that it was declined. So… we knew right away that they tried to charge the full amount which we didn't have. No big deal, I thought. I will just take the proofs and my order to the studio in Bradenton and just order in person. I knew that we wouldn't be able to receive the discount but I accepted that. That was until Chris checked our bank account online and found out that the full charge went through and that we now have a negative balance. Even then neither of us got upset because we figured that could easily be corrected. How wrong we were.

This morning I tried to call the local studio in Bradenton and immediately the message stated that their office hours were Monday – Friday from 8:30am to 5:30pm. If I was getting this message during regular business hours that all reps were busy handling other VALUABLE customers. Ok, I thought. After all it is Monday, I can understand it being busy. So I decided to call the toll free number for order assistance thinking I could talk with a customer service rep and get the situation corrected. This was where it started rolling down hill.

After waiting on the phone for a good 20 minutes I finally got to speak with Desiree. This is the conversation:

Desiree – "Thank you for calling bryn – alan, This is Desiree, how may I help you?"

Me – "Hello Desiree, I am hoping you can help me correct a situation. We tried to order online last night and when we got to the check out it declined our payment. But we have still been charged and now my account is in the negative."

Desiree – "Did you receive a confirmation number?"

Me – "No, it declined."

Desiree – "Well, then you weren't charged"

Me – "Yes we where. My account is in the negative."

Desiree – "Why would you order a package online if you didn't have the money to pay for it?"

Me (and surprisingly I held my cool) "We were under the impression that we could just make a 50% deposit as it stated. "

Desiree – "No, that is if you mailed it in. All credit card orders must be paid in full."

Me – "That is not what the website implies." Anyway… the order was declined but my account was still charged. " I am getting rather angry right now.

Desiree – "No it wasn't, if it was, you would have a confirmation number."

Me – "Do you have a supervisor that I could speak with please."

Desiree – "No"

Me – You don't have a supervisor? Do you have a manager?"

Desiree – "Yes, we do have a manager." Apparently they do not know that supervisor or manager is relatively the same.

Me – "May I speak with your manager then?"

Desiree – "No, he is not in today."

Me – "You must have someone that can help me when the manager is not in"

Desiree – "No we don't"

Me – "Then what I am I supposed to do to get this cleared up?"

Desiree – "You can try and call back tomorrow."

Me – "I can try and call back tomorrow? I think it's important to get this cleared today."

Desiree – "If you were charged, then it would be your banks fault. I would call your bank." She emphasized the If… like I was lying.

She hung up after that.

I called Chris at work and explained it to him. He called the bank and had to conference the call since my card was used in the transaction. She had to verify my identity. It doesn't matter that it is a joint account. That I can understand.

We both talked to our rep and she told me that yes, it was charged and it would be easy to reverse it. I needed to call bryn – alan studios back and have them contact their merchant and have them either call her directly with the 6 digit code or I could call her back with the code. She also insured me since we made her aware of the situation that our account would not be charged any fees. That was a relief.

So I called back again and this time after waiting about 30 minutes, I spoke with Melinda.

The conversation went basically the same way with one exception. She did admit that there would be a hold and that it would take 24 to 48 hours for my account to see the charges refunded. I had a real problem with that. If my account was declined to begin with then why did it charge it anyway? I also said that if she could call their merchant and get the six digit code than I wouldn't have to wait the 24-48 hours.

Melinda told me that she could not do that. That is not their policy and that there was no one there that could and that I would need to wait until tomorrow to speak with Greg Clonts, the manager. IF, he would be in because he has been sick. So the best thing for me to do is what the 24-48 hours. By now I had fumes streaming from my ears people. So…

That is when I decided to drive to the bryn – alan studio in Bradenton. I was going to just tell them what pose to put into the yearbook and return the proofs. And if they asked me if I would be purchasing any photos then and only then would I tell them my displeasure in their company. Now, if they by chance they could have corrected it right there, then I would go ahead and order. I understand that it was not their incompetence and that their customer service reps in Tampa are morons!

However, when I pulled into their parking lot we noticed a sign on their door claiming to be closed and that they are open Tuesday – Saturday from 9-6. That was not what their voicemail said. And now I was livid. So again I called their customer service number to tell them that I wanted to make sure my son's photo gets in for the yearbook, because that was already paid for and that I would be mailing the proofs today and wanted to make sure that I would not get charged for the proofs because it would be after the deadline date. Tekisha assured me that the deadline was only for the online discount. I told her that the brochure has it written in several places that the proofs and/or order must be in by today or his yearbook photo would not be included in time. Her statement: " I know it states that but that's not what it means." OMG! I so wanted to reach into the phone and slap this woman. I was so pissed! Does anybody at that damn place know what they are doing? C'mon people wake the hell up and do your job!

Tekisha informed me to fill out the ala carte order form to choose his yearbook photo and mail back the proofs and everything will be fine. I asked her if I could have some kind of assurance that what I feared would not happen. She told me that I wouldn't need one. Somehow, I highly doubt that!

So I have recorded today's event and the names are their actual names. I will not be ordering any photos from bryn – alan and we will be getting Jeff's senior portraits done somewhere else. And if you are wondering why we didn't pick another studio to begin with… well… apparently bryn- alan has the senior yearbook account with just about every school in Sarasota/Manatee county. They basically monopolized that market. And if anyone has any more suggestions on what I can do, please leave me a comment or email me at mnetsrek@yahoo.com. Thanks!

Killing two birds with one stone.

Since the beginning of summer, I have been spending a lot of time with Katie. Working with her to strengthen her memorization and trying to build her reading skills. It's been a challenge to keep her interest. So I had to come up with things to entice her with.

Every day that she does not put up a fight about her study time, we cook something together. Katie is all about learning to cook. She has always wanted to help out in the kitchen. I can really see her becoming a chef one day.

We do not cook elaborate meals in fact this doesn't involve meals at all. We create healthy snacks. I have gotten quite a few ideas from the Kellogg's Snacktivate site. Katie loves a lot of these recipes. She is also reading the recipes to me and that helps with her reading skills. The great thing about that is she doesn't connect that with helping with her reading skills.

So turning something that she once thought was boring into something fun has made working with her much easier. Also knowing that she is learning healthier eating habits makes me feel a lot better. Teaching her now will help her make better choices when she is older. Now… I just need to work on Chris and Jeff.

My Enlightenment

I am choosing to go public with what I have been dealing with for most of my life. If you care to read be my guest and if not move on.

I hate who I am. I hate the fact that I have been weak all my life and could never stand up for myself. I hate that I allowed certain individuals influence me in such negative ways and I hate that I embraced it with open arms.

For as long as I can remember I was a painfully shy child. I don't know what transpired to influence that but something did. Maybe my brain has purposely blocked that out. This is not the only time I have tried to think back and not get anywhere.

I am the poster child that will back up that what you are exposed to as a child will have an impact for the rest of your life. From the time I was at least seven till the time I was in my twenties, my parents did not get along. They constantly argued and spewed hateful words at one another. Many times I would hide in my room and pray that God would just let me die so that I could not witness this anymore.

For awhile my parents just slung back and forth at one another. When I reached my teens, my dad turned on me. Verbally abusive not physically but what difference does that make right? I don't know how many times that I was told that I was just like my mother and given the fact that I know he wasn't happy with her that meant he was certainly not happy with me. My mother did her job on me too. Not abusive but manipulative. I won't go into the things they did to hurt one another out of respect. I say that now because somehow, some way they worked things out and are not the same people. In their defense there must have been some love left between them because in May they celebrated their 40^th wedding anniversary.

I think that was the start of how I perceived myself. I was called a lot of names and all of them mean and unflattering. The two that stand out the most… Bitch and Stupid. Whore and slut come to mind also.. this is funny since I held on tight to my virginity until I was 19. I looked for love in the wrong places. When I met Jeff's dad he knew the right things to say and for the first time I trusted someone to care for me. The truth is that I just wanted to be out of my house. I never would have admitted that to anyone let alone admitting that to myself. It wasn't until after the birth of my son that I acted out on all those years of being called a slut. Why not? I was already tainted, used goods, not good for anything. One of my parent's friends actually told me that I would latch on to the next man that would have me and there wouldn't be many. Needless to say that I didn't date anyone until Jeff was over two years old. He must have been right! So of course I latched on to the next man. He happened to be 9 years older, never been married and a man of God.

I emphasize a man of God because my family went to church every Sunday. Although my parents acted a certain way at home they were completely different in the Church setting. I grew up in the faith but I don't think I ever really had it. It was hard for me to think that God loved me because as many times that I prayed, nothing changed. In fact I truly believed that God was ashamed of me and therefore not worthy of His love. But whenever I met someone who proclaimed to be a Christian I wanted so much to make myself like glue and attach myself to them. It attracted me because they acted so much different than what I was used to. They personified on the outside what I was looking for. I was looking for a savior not Thee
Savior. There is a BIG difference. And every time I was let down I blamed God.

That was the beginning of the real downward spiral. This guy had me thinking that I was like Delilah from the bible, using my womanly ways to seduce him. Sure I was attracted to him and being that he quoted the Bible all the time and seemed real sweet in the beginning I attached myself to him. I opened up to him and he would "help" me with getting back in touch with God by breaking me down. I can remember like it was yesterday how he told me how cheated he felt because I was not the woman of his youth. Meaning, because I was not a virgin and already a mother and although he was 9 years older that it was somehow my fault that I wasn't this Goddess that God promised him. Day after day he would peel me like an onion just to criticize me. For every action that he did, that he later regretted, it was my fault. We would argue on almost a daily basis and most of the time over the phone until wee hours of the morning. When I finally had enough he would show up at my door and demand that I placate him by doing some sexual favor because it was MY FAULT he got so worked up. There was a period of about 6 months that we parted ways. Somehow and really I don't remember how but we started to talk again and yep one thing led to another. He had me so confused and so unsure of myself that he actually convinced me that to know whether or not God wanted us together that it was my duty to allow him to pursue other women and that he had direction from God to see if maybe they were the wife that God had intended for him. I did what he asked me. That took 5 years from my life. Do you see the type of crap I put myself through? You would think I would know when to stop. Nope. I truly believed that I was never supposed to be happy. I figured that every guy that I met would have to treat me a certain way because that was my reason for being here. The way I carried myself and the timidity that poured out of every pore attracted these men and the worse thing was that I was drawn to them as well.

When I was 13, I met a boy a year older than me, and he came from a Christian family and he was so nice and kind and mature and I didn't want to let him go. Since I met him in Florida while visiting my grandparents and he actually lived in S. Carolina the next best thing was to become pen pals. I saw him only one more time the next year but I wrote him all the time and for the most part he wrote back. Until he went off to college and the letters were fewer and then I found out that he had met someone and was getting married and my whole world fell apart. I think I was 20? I know Jeff was already born. But in my mind, in my own little twisted world that I chose to live in, that wasn't supposed to happen. I think he knew how I felt about him but I am not really sure anymore. The letters that I held onto for a long time have been discarded. I did that on purpose because it felt like the door to my happiness slammed shut. There have been a few good men that I didn't let in. I thought I wasn't what they really wanted, and in time they would figure that out and leave.

Chris has been the exception in time though because our relationship started out like most of mine did and it wasn't good. I believe that it was not our wants and desires that lead to us staying together. When looking back at everything that transpired, I know in my heart that God intervened and worked slowly but surely in our growth as a couple. God chose to work on Chris first. Chris will be the first one to tell you that he is not the same man that many knew 11 years ago. He has already gone through his enlightenment. He didn't make it public but I noticed immediately that something was different. I will be the first to say that I was angry and jealous. We still had many fights regarding my attitude and the unwillingness to search my own heart. I did however seek counseling after 3 years but nothing came of it because I chose not to open up. It was when I wasn't given an ultimatum of keeping our relationship in tact that I noticed a small change in myself. Little by little that small voice became louder and more determined to get me to listen. That began a little over a year ago. Although I was still stubborn and would ignore the necessity of confronting my fears, it would not go away.

On Friday night, I let it all go. It was after chatting through AIM with the man that I mentioned as my pen pal. I won't name him. He knows about my blog and this will probably come as a shock to him because our conversation didn't include what I was struggling with. It was innocent and mostly just catching up since I have not been in contact with him for over 16 years. It wasn't a long conversation but something about it stirred the emotions and the inner demon that I have been fighting with. When the conversation ended and I was left with the nagging emotions, I started to think about what it was that made me the way that I am. I prayed for the first time in many months. I prayed for a long time and for a period of time I just sat in silence because words escaped me. Then the flooding of emotions, the truth and the revelation happened so fast that I thought I was not going to survive. I cried not just with tears but through my whole body. The pain in my chest was overwhelming and I begged God to stop it. I was sure I could not handle it. Everything played on in my head as if I was watching a movie. I felt purged and it continued to come in waves and when it stopped, I cried. These tears were because I was finally released from the prison that I put myself in. From 11pm through 7:30 am I went through my enlightenment.

Chris found me out on our lanai with wet eyes and tears streaming down my face. He knew. Even before I spoke a word he knew. So for a few hours we talked and I was excited and carefree and just became this transparent person. I laid it all on the table. For the first time in my life I was not afraid.

 

2 Corinthians 5:12

Wherefore if any man is in Christ, he is a new creature: the old things are passed away; behold, they are become new.

Does anybody hear her (Me)

She is running
A hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction
She is trying
But the canyon's ever widening
In the depths of her cold heart
So she sets out on another misadventure just to find
She's another two years older
And she's three more steps behind

Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?
Or does anybody even knows she's going down today
Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?

She is yearning
For shelter and affection
That she never found at home
She is searching
For a hero to ride in
To ride in and save the day
And in walks her prince charming
And he knows just what to say
Momentary lapse of reason
And she gives herself away

Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?
Or does anybody even knows she's going down today
Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?

If judgment looms under every steeple
If lofty glances from lofty people
Can't see past her scarlet letter
And we never even met her

If judgment looms under every steeple
If lofty glances from lofty people
Can't see past her scarlet letter
And we never even met her

Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?
Or does anybody even knows she's going down today
Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?

He is running a hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction.

Casting Crowns