Thursday, July 31, 2008

Another door opens.

I was fine up until 7pm this evening. Chris and I talked about 3:45. He usually leaves work about 4. Today however he had to go to one of his projects to do a final inspection and to remove the permit. So, I naturally thought that the latest he would be walking in the door would be 5:30. So needless to say, I had supper ready and on the table. No Chris. I called his cell and it rang about 4 times before going into his voice mail. No big deal I thought, he probably has the radio on too loud in the car. Since the meal was all ready the kids and I started without him. We finished about 6 and Katie cleared the table while Jeff went to get ready for work.

I called about 6:15 and the phone rang and went into voicemail. "Ok, they must have had an impromptu meeting regarding the floating island that was defective." I told myself. He should be home by the time I drop Jeff off at work. Katie and I got home about 7pm. No Chris. Now I am starting to get worried. He hadn't called my cell and the caller I.D. didn't show he called home. I called again. It rang and went into voice mail. This time I left a message stating that I am a little worried and to please call.

I washed the pots and loaded the dishwasher. Still no sign of Chris. It is now 7:30. And I am upset and worried and my stomach is in knots. That's how I roll. Get worried or upset and my stomach produces mad amounts acid. If I am not careful it doesn't stay in the stomach. Or worse it starts to aggravate the ulcer. I go out onto the lanai and proceed to smoke like a chimney. It is now 8pm and yep… no Chris. Now I am on the verge of trying to calm myself down because I so want to call every hospital. I want to call the police station and even his dad. But I refrain because surely there must be a damn good reason why he hasn't bothered to call home. I decide to wait until 9pm of course that is after I call for the last time around 8. At exactly 8:15. Chris finally calls home. I quickly answer the phone.

"Hey Babe, just wanted to let you know we had a pretty funny incident here at the project. This guy lost power to his boat and was headed toward the docks here. We had to walk him in and before we could get his boat stable, the guy decided to jump out and his boat cap sides onto the rocks. So we had to call the police and I had to fill out an incident report. The guy was severely intoxicated".

I asked him why he didn't answer his phone. He tells me that because it was raining when he got there he just left the phone in the car. He didn't want to take a chance with it out in the rain. He notices that I am somewhat quiet and he asks me what's wrong. I tell him that I was worried and upset that I couldn't get in touch with him. He automatically gets defensive and states that it doesn't sound like I am upset but actually pissed. That's when I lost it. Not lost it as I started to yell and scream at him like I normally would have but I started to cry. Chris however didn't notice because he hung up on me.

That's when another revelation hit me. I now know why I get upset when he doesn't call after being hours late from getting home. It doesn't happen a lot but it's happened enough that we have had some heavy fighting afterwards. When I was younger, and my mom started her new career there were numerous times that she would not bother to call home if she was planning on being late. I cannot count how many times because it was often and continued for many years. Many times my sisters and I would have already eaten dinner and gone to bed before I would hear the screaming emulating from downstairs. When I would look over at the clock to see what time it was it would be after 10pm or later. Majority of the time she would be drunk. Now I am not saying that I worry that Chris is out drinking but it's that feeling of not knowing. I don't even know if I can put it into words. I just know that I get those feelings when he is not home when he's supposed to be.

I haven't told Chris about this yet. I just let it drop when he got home. Part of me was too drained to deal with it. But I will try and state to him how important it is to call and let me know if he's going to be later than anticipated. I wanted to ask Chris why he just didn't borrow a phone to call home. Surely they would've have understood that it's the only responsible and courteous thing to do. I decide to keep mum.

So even though a few hours went by where I actually started to feel sick with worry another door into my dark past decided to reveal the skeletons of my mansion. I refuse to call it a closet because quite honestly… it's much bigger than that.


Kat said...

It IS completely understandable how you feel. Not knowing the unknown, sends waves of panic through any person who loves someone.
You were not pissed, you were worried because you love and care for him.
Anything could have happened to him, so the mind goes to those dark places, the fears, the stress, the worries, and yes, the memories of being a child having to be responsible for your siblings because your mother couldn't be the responsible parent you needed her to be.

It's actually a very good thing that this incident brought those memories out into the open.
They are memories that you need to deal with, you need to find a way to mend them in your heart, so that you can move on from them, so that those bad memories don't cause *new* bad memories and problems in your marriage.

Chris may not understand, and that's ok because this is YOUR issue that you need to work on.
He may not have called or answered when you wanted him to because he was very busy working, but as soon as he got back in his car, you were the first person he thought of and called.
He wasn't ignoring you or being irresponsible, he was working and called you when he could, when he was finished.

So this is an issue you need to resolve inside yourself before you can talk to him about it.
If you try talking about it now, with all those bad memories floating about in your head, mucking everything up, Chris will see you as being overbearing and nagging, he won't see it as worry or love.
So start blogging about these things more, typing these thoughts out is a GREAT way to heal those old wounds, and once you're healed, you'll be able to tell him that you are only calling because you love him and worry about him, and would be devastated if something happened to him and no one was there to help him.

You're doing great talking about this stuff here, you're really opening up and allowing yourself to be vulnerable and have real emotions, and in time, you will feel so much better, these heavy burden emotions will fall off of your shoulders and you'll be much happier and better able to convey the right words to Chris to help him see that it's love and not nagging.


Mindy said...

Kat - Thank you for your words of encouragemnet. I haven't talked to Chris yet and like you said, I should probably wait until I can approach this without all those memories wanting to well up again. I think I may be using this blog as an online journal. I don't know yet what else could be lurking because I truly thought that everything came out on Friday night. As we can see, I was wrong. But I am not afraid anymore when something "new" does reveal itself.

AmyD said...

Oh, Mindy. I can't tell you how much this post struck a chord with me. I'm so so sorry.

You know, you might want to sit down and write a letter to Chris explaining all of that - or print this post out and give it to him. But, maybe a personal letter would be better. I know that sounds strange but sometimes, even if you don't give it to the intended recipient, just getting it off your chest and out there is really cathartic.

On a side note - dude, no matter what your issues are... Chris needs to call. You are right, that is just common courtesy.