For a long time, I have been denied myself from the truth. A truth that has both hindered me and made me one of the most negative thinking person that I have known in my life.
For over twenty years, I have harbored resentment and mistrust. I not only built a wall around myself, but a barricade upon barricade, upon barricade. Refusing, even the people that I care about, entry into my safe place. Right up until two weeks ago.
Chris and I have been together for over 12 years. A rocky relationship, at its best, from the start. I can't even begin to understand how we lasted so long. Until two weeks ago.
Besides our daughter, Katie, there really wasn't anything that connected us to each other. Going through the motions, day by day ruts, and wondering really how long our "relationship" was going to last. I was always looking for the "other shoe to drop" and anticipating that day for a very long time. Until two weeks ago.
I have never fully given my heart to a man. Some were able to penetrate into the thick, overgrown thorn patches that I considered the entry to my fortress of solitude. They, however, have never earned my trust nor my heart but, there were some that I wanted so badly to work out. In the end, it was never meant to be and even though I would always get hurt, I bounced back faster each time.
When I met Chris, I was actually running away from a roller coaster of a relationship. A relationship so toxic and clearly unhealthy, that I had to move 1200 miles to break free of him. A relationship that had me so distraught and unstable, that for the first and only time in my life, I was given anti depressants to cope. That man wasn't a bad person. We just weren't compatible for one another. We were the very reason why oil and water do not mix.
When I met Chris it was months after I moved to Florida the first time. In fact when I first met him, I thought he was a jerk to the nth degree. So cocky and arrogant. But, he was also very manipulative and smooth... two things that at the time were my weaknesses. He never lied to me about who he was. A player like no other. Never deceitful, just full of himself. He embodied a confidence of epic proportions. And I fell hard. I got pregnant and then I left Florida during my third trimester. I left because I figured he was like all the rest. And up until two weeks ago, I still felt that way.
I am not sure how it happened but even after I moved to Ohio, we still kept in contact. He even called me at the hospital the day after I gave birth to our daughter. We became friends, and then parents, that shared an interest in our daughters welfare together. The first year of our daughters life, he visited us twice. Then a short time after Katie turned a year old, he moved to Ohio. Looking back at the first years, I can't explain how we stayed together. They were very hard years that were full of resentment and based on no trust. At the beginning, Chris stayed for our daughter. He wanted to make sure that this time, he was involved in her life, that this time she had both of her parents living under the same roof. We played happy but deep down we knew we were on borrowed time. Chris made the decision to move back to Florida after living in Ohio for three years. He was miserable and hated every aspect of Ohio and its weather. I remember the night he broke the news to me. Whether I wished to follow or not, he was going back to his home. I made the choice to follow him four months later.
Chris and I have both done things to hurt one another. Maybe not intentionally but hurtful all the same. I lied to him constantly about what really affected me and he...well... it doesn't really need to be said. Up until two weeks ago, I felt as if we were just coexisting. And the truth of the matter is that is exactly what we were doing. We were affectionate towards one another but affectionate or not, without trust, it just doesn't matter. I will say that the three years in Ohio changed Chris. He became a different person. One with more tolerance, patience and a new understanding of what true love is. I on the other hand, wallowed in misery. I loathed the very idea of love. I just did not have any room in my heart and life for it. I refused to let another man hurt me. And I blocked Chris out.
Over the years, Chris had tried repeatedly to get me to confide in him on why I was the way I was. It always failed because I didn't see that I had a problem. I was stubborn and obstinate and there was no way I was going to tear down my walls. But, I did try on several occasions. I was not honest with myself and therefore it always failed.
Then, two weeks ago, exactly two days before Chris' 40th birthday, I snapped, and as always something so trivial and stupid started the avalanche of hurt feelings. Then the truth came out. I did not trust him. Even after years of telling him that trust had nothing to do with it, it finally burst through my wall. For hours we talked, cried, screamed and cried some more. I don't know if it was the possibility of losing him or if I just was too tired of lying to myself, but I finally poured out my heart to him. We brought up past issues and like a big magic eraser all the hurt feelings, hatred, and resentment went away. I can't even describe how in one night, everything that I held on so tightly to, just disappeared. For the first time I looked into Chris eyes and I saw his love. He loved me even though I did not deserve it, he stuck around because he believed that this was not how it was going to end. He loved me because he wanted to. He loves me today because I finally told the truth. He and I both know that our prayers were answered two weeks ago. We may not fully understand why it took over twelve years but it is never in our time, but Gods time.