Thursday, May 8, 2008

Depression has made its home here.

Tomorrow, Katie and I will be heading to Girl Scout Camp. She is all excited and I am excited for her. I remember my days in Girl Scouts and she is going to have wonderful memories. With that said... Why am I not in the same mind frame as her? I am dreading this overnight excursion big time.

Is it because I will be in a non air conditioning cabin and even without hot hat flashes, I know I will be waking up in a pool of sweat water? Or maybe it is because all four of the girls that I will be bunking with are all 8 years old and their energy level combined is like that of a bumble bee on crack? Or the fact that I know I am dreading the 45 minute hike because my fat ass will probably not be able to keep up. Or just the fact the my comfort zone will seem like a million miles away?

I am in serious need of prioritizing my life. I absolutely must lose weight. Not ten or twenty pounds mind you… try 50-60!!! I have never been this heavy and it is really stressing me out big time. I am in a slump.. My clothes are getting tight and all I do is sit around wishing things were different. That I was different. It also does not help that Aunt Flo's visit is right around the corner and the civil thing she could do is wait until I get home but that may not be the case. I am cranky, no wait… I AM BITCHY and I hate that about myself. I am so stressed out and getting all of two hours sleep last night didn't help my demeanor at all.

My family is used to this and they should not have to be. I need someone to slap me silly and tell me to SNAP OUT OF IT but all my friends are thousands of miles away. I have one or two here in Sarasota.. But they have lives of their own and I don't like to intrude on other people. Besides it is difficult to express myself in person anyway. Mother's Day is Sunday and I am dreading it. I just don't feel I deserve it.

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