Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Have you ever had the shingles removed from your eyes?

While I was finishing up on my assigned reading for Interpersonal Communications I was reading a paragraph that just slapped me dead in the face.

It talks about Self Sabotage. This my friends is me. " One of the most crippling kinds of self-talk we can engage in is self-sabotage. This involves telling ourselves we are no good, we can't do something, there's no point in trying to change, an so forth. Self sabotage defeats us because it undermines beliefs in ourselves. Self-sabotage is poisonous; it destroys our motivation to change and grow" (Julia T. Wood, Interpersonal Communication 2007)

For as long as I can remember I have felt unworthy of love, respect and self worth. Now I can't really pinpoint exactly when that started but I do know it has been the basis of who I was, am and if I don't change it who I always will be. Many decisions I have made in the past was affected by how I perceived myself. The boys I dated, the friends I had, just everything.
Now, I am not saying I didn't have positive influences but I shyed away from their perception of me because I did not believe them. I have had some real winners in the love relationships and there were the few nice guys that I purposely ended contact with because once again I felt I didn't deserve that person.

When I met Chris, he was one of the "bad boys" and our relationship started out rocky and was self destructing. But because he realized his need for growth and needing to change the person he was, is the only reason he didn't leave me like so many others before. He grew and changed and loved me through it all. I can't count how many times we argued over my negativeness, my unwillingness to see that I, me, Mindy needed to change as well. That I was not right in my thinking, in my perception of not only myself but in others that truly and deeply care for me.

Now as much as I hate admitting that he is right, I can not deny it now. Sure, he may gloat for a short time but I can tell when I admit to my faults, he is proud that I am finally seeing what he has seen for 10 plus years. I am someone to be proud of, I have accomplished things in my life that I can be proud of. Now comes the hard part.... the willingness to change it for good. The perseverance to conquer this inner demon. It won't happen overnight... nothing is that easy. However, I do have the desire and stubbornness to take it to the end. I also have the best advocate that supports me even though I am like a pendulum of self destruction. I always feared that he would tire of me and walk out. I don't feel that way anymore. So, a little piece of insecurity has been replaced with bigger piece confidence of being worthy of love.

No, I am not changing for Chris, I am changing because of him. He has been my rock and the gift that I have prayed for, for so many years.


Miss Britt said...

Uhhh... no?

Mindy said...

Miss Britt - Haha.. I prematurely hit the enter key before completing the post. Now tell me what you think.

Miss Britt said...

Hm. I've been doing this all week, actually.

Mindy said...

Miss Britt - Now I know why I felt a connection with you. I feel a support group forming!!!!

Kat said...

It's always kind of exciting and scary at the same time, to finally see yourself the way you are and then know in your heart what you have to do.

Mindy said...

Kat - I wasn't exactly thrilled to discover this truth but I do embrace the fact that I have done a lot of harm to myself and it needs to stop. The exciting part is really opening the can of worms to see what else lurks in the shadows.

latt├ęgirl said...

In therapy some years ago, I learned about negative self thinking -- basically, whenever you catch yourself thinking, "Oh, you dummy!" or "I'm such an idiot!" you have to stop it right away. For most of us, this kind of thinking is deeply ingrained and would appear to be meaningless or harmless, but it really is a form of self-sabotage. Sure, when I bump into a doorway frame I call myself an idiot -- but I am very aware of how often I do it and try to negate it immediately. Or at least laugh it off.

It's so nice to read about how much Chris means to you.

Mindy said...

lattegirl - Thank you for sharing.
I wish Chris would see I much I care. He thinks I have issues with trust and therefore will never let go of the past. He may be right to an extent but I think that takes time. He isn't the only one that has let me down. I just have to take it one day at a time and realize that there will be days that are worse than others. It's heartbreaking to struggle with this but I know I have to.